A lesson in sowing

I fight God pretty consistently with the idea of spending so much time with orphans. And the honest reason to that is selfishness. It is emotionally draining. When a friend called last night to see how I was doing my response was “emotionally exhausted.” Even in the midst of exhaustion I was unable to find sleep and so I talked well into the wee hours of the morning with God about the kids I have fallen in love with and the ones I hope to get to know and pleading for things like official permission to visit the orphanage on a weekly basis and praying for families I know who are wanting to adopt. Oh, how I want families for these children. But more than that I want them to know Hope. And I feel almost trite in wishing that for them, because what do I know of hope? Oh I know him. I know him well and wouldn’t be here if not for him, but I also know that my understanding of him as hope is limited by the fact I have suffered so little in my 25 years; for them it is different when they come to know Christ their understanding of the hope he brings will be far more life altering, their faith raw and real from the beginning. Oh how I want them to know that they are loved and cherished and accepted and bought at the highest price.

And everything seems to be magnified in the light of the Christmas season.

When we walked into the Ekvator mall yesterday to go ice skating there was an Angel Tree sitting near the entrance. You know, one of the tress that have children’s names and Christmas wishes written on ornaments so that people can take an ornament and buy a gift for a needy child. As we walked by the tree, Marina looked at one of the ornaments and said “this is a girl from my class.” She picked up another and another and another “these are my class’s wishes!” she exclaimed. I wanted to pull all the ornaments off the tree right then and go buy all the desired presents and take them to the orphanage. Something changes in our perspective when we make connections. I’ve bought Angel Tree gifts before, even helped thow an Angel Tree party, I’ve helped my dad’s company deliver Christmas to needy families near Tallahassee, but the passion to help is intensified when you know the names and faces and hurts and dreams and sometimes lack of dreams that come with the kids requesting gifts.

When I woke up this morning I opened my Bible and read:

When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion
We were like men who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
Our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The Lord has done great things for them.”

The Lord has done great things for us,
And we are filled with joy.

Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
Like streams in the Negev.

Those who sow in tears
Will reap with songs of joy.

He who goes out weeping,
Carrying seeds to sow,
Will return with songs of joy,
Carrying sheaves with him.

Closing my eyes and avoiding the pain that comes with relationships with orphans does not change the reality of the things they have lived and are living. It shows my selfishness and reflects ignorance. And I know that the deeper I get into the lives of these kids the harder it is going to be emotionally, but I also know that the return on love is always far greater than the sacrifices made for it.

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”